Improbability

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He knows me better than I even realize, but I can’t tell him that I love him. I’ve loved him for a while now knowingly but I’m the type who can contain things like that, until now. Something about the way he makes me laugh has changed, the way that I am with him is changing and I feel my body giving way but my mind is fighting. I can’t need him. I can’t love to hear from him everyday and miss him like this. Matters of the heart are so time consuming and I want it to feel foreign, but it doesn’t. I know I would be good to him and that he could cast all my doubt away, but I don’t want him to. I want us to be friends, the type of friends who never find out what our love could be because we know it could change us but we’re unsure whether it would be for better or for worse. And maybe I’m the only unsure one, because I don’t want it to be his potential that blinds me. I don’t want to think we can do it, I want to know. I don’t want empty words anymore, I don’t want unmet expectations anymore. I’ve fallen in love with a friend once in life, and I was never the same, but I can’t stop loving him now.

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