Fortification.

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I’m afraid I don’t love me the way I think that I love me. I think I’m afraid. Because I’m not sure if I love the me that I’ve been conditioned to be. I want the me at 17 back, before I knew true heartbreak and before I became tainted by love. Before I found out that marriages don’t last all the time and people hurt people in indescribable ways. I need that optimism back. I need to get rid of this fear that when someone likes me, they just like who I am portraying but once they actually get me, all of me, I won’t be what they envisioned. I fear me because in wanting not to be hurt so bad I’ve given up my true self.  I feel like I have to be her. The girl that is out of touch with her feelings and runs at the sign of commitment. I’m tired of running, but I’ve been knocked down so many times that resilience doesn’t even have a meaning anymore it is just a word. I want to purify myself but how can I do that when I’m not even sure who I am anymore. Alone time has become overthinking and analyzing and telling myself I can’t feel anything, but I do. And I just keep thinking if I just keep telling myself and acting like I don’t, then maybe I have a chance of surviving, and that’s deep to me. And if I drop this shield and strip down I am so vulnerable and so human, but right now I feel like I can’t afford to be either.

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