3 AM Thoughts.

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He begs me to tell him what it is he can do that will make me want to be in our moments, like really be present..and I don’t know. Everyday I walk up 22 stairs to be exact, 22 stairs to our room and at stair number 6 I want to head back to the couch I was perched upon just thinking. I don’t know whats wrong with me, I don’t know how to explain any of this so I just stay silent and go with it. And I don’t know how it is that I can’t bring myself to love him because he is amazing but here I am..loveless. Loveless and trying to figure out how to tell him that I’m not really here at all. I’ve spent countless sleepless nights trying to convince myself that this is it for me, but in all those hours not once has doubt subsided. I think to myself; What if marriage is like this? What if you want to make something work with a person so bad that you force it so much so that you can’t even accept the fact that you’re doing it until you’ve brought about permanence? And maybe I’m thinking too deep because for some reason each stair signifies in my mind some type of foundation being laid and every time my foot touches one I’m building a routine that will turn into habit that will turn into my very existence.

 

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